Silas ~ our little deposit in Heaven

 Today I'm sharing a deeply personal story about something we walked through at the end of July.  I hesitate to share because I know that everyone handles grief differently, and that many people are hurting far more deeply than this.  But in hopes that our story will encourage someone else who might be walking through the same thing, I'm sharing our story today.

I have always feared losing a baby.

With each pregnancy the fear has been in the back of my mind but I would remind myself that “in your book are written all the days that have been ordained for me when as yet there was not one of them.” (Psalm 139) and move on, knowing that worrying about my baby wouldn't add a day to their life.

But this time was different, the fear was stronger.

I knew I was pregnant before the second pink line showed up on the test. I just had this feeling, and on top of that I was already sick.  I was seven days late before I got a positive test although I had taken one almost every day for a week.

I had a gut feeling that something wasn’t right about this pregnancy but I kept trying to dismiss it and move on. I told Ben one night, “I can’t shake it. I feel like we’re going to lose this baby.”

He said “do you feel like the Lord is preparing you for something, or do you feel like it’s the enemy trying to make you live in fear.” I couldn’t tell.

One morning I woke up with the thought, “this baby is a boy…and his name is Silas.”

I told Ben, we talked about names, he thought it was a girl, we talked about all the important things like how will we fit a third baby in the boy’s room? And can you believe we’ll have 5 stockings hanging up this year?

I was really sick, but really excited. Can you believe the Lord has trusted us with another one?

We went on a getaway to Maine. It was wonderful and refreshing and halfway through we were sitting at a coffee shop and with tearful eyes I looked up at Ben and said, “I just keep feeling like we’re going to lose this baby.”

When, I got back to our room I realized that we were.

Just eleven days after I saw that pink line, on the day I was turning 6 weeks pregnant, I started to miscarry.

This little one snuck in like a little whisper and left just as quickly.

I felt like the Lord gave us the name Silas for this little one, and when I looked it up, found that it means “third." It was sweet to me that the Lord gave us a name for this little one, and a name that confirmed that our third baby was a boy. 

Our hearts have been crushed. We have grieved and cried and questioned and processed and sat in silence and tears. Its amazing how attached you can get to such a tiny little person in such a short amount of time.  I just keep thinking that the two precious little boys that hold my heart started out as small as our little Silas was, and I’ll never get to kiss his cheeks and smell his newborn neck or rock him to sleep.

But heaven is that much sweeter to us now that we have a little deposit there. It gives us one more reason among a million to long for our heavenly Home.

One night Ben and I were talking about everything and picturing our little Silas hanging out with my daddy in Heaven, and his cousins, and most of all, being loved on by Jesus.   Ben said something like, “Maybe the whole reason Silas was created was to know Jesus.  I mean, that’s the purpose for all of us, but what if he was created literally just so he could spend eternity with Jesus? 

If he was never a created being, he would never get to experience the reality of Heaven.”

Those words struck a chord deep inside me and gave me so much peace.

Because as devastating as this loss was, having the perspective that I got to be a little landing place for this baby before he spends the rest of all time and eternity in the presence of Jesus, is so encouraging to me.  If knowing Jesus face to face forever was the sole purpose of Silas’s life, then I am happy to have housed his little body for a few short weeks before he moved on to his forever home.

A 6 week bump

The loss of this sweet baby has hit me harder than I ever thought possible so I’ve tried to guard my mind with truth and stand on the promises of the Word so I don’t get knocked over by my emotions.

There is so much that I don’t know and don’t understand, but here is what I am sure of, these are the promises that I know I can count on because I am in Christ:

God is good. 
He can do me no wrong.  Whatever all of this is, it is not injustice. I am a sinner who deserves the wrath of God. And instead, because of Jesus, I have been given perfect righteousness and total forgiveness.  Whatever I experience in this world is not a punishment for my sins, because Christ absorbed all the wrath that I deserved on the cross. Nothing kept the Father from withholding Jesus as the sacrifice for my sins, so what would keep Him from withholding any other lesser thing from me if He knew it would truly be good for me?  (Psalm 84:11, Romans 8:32)

I lost my baby because this world is broken and things are not how they were meant to be, but hallelujah, this life is as bad as it will get for me.  I have an eternity of joy awaiting me because of the salvation Jesus purchased for me on the cross.  Compared to the glory of heaven and the presence of Jesus, the trials of this life will seem light and momentary. (2 Cor:4:16-18)

God will work all things together for my ultimate good of becoming more like Jesus (Romans 8:28-29).  Jesus has conquered death through His death and resurrection and, one day, He is coming back to make all things new.  God will make this situation work for my good somehow in this life, but it will be ultimately redeemed when I see my Jesus face to face.

“Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers Him out of them all.” Psalm 34:18

“Therefore we do not lose heart. But though our outer man is decaying, yet our inner man is being renewed day by day.  For momentary, light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison.  While we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen.  For the things which are seen are temporal, but the things which are not seen are eternal.” 2 Cor. 4:16-18

 (My rings are from amycornwall.com) 

Sweet Silas, 

You were a part of my world for a few short days but you will always be a part of my heart.  I loved you immediately and will love you forever.  I miss you deeply but picturing you spending the rest of all time with Jesus, never knowing any pain or suffering or sin, brings such joy to my heart.  You, my son, are our little deposit in Heaven that makes us long for that place, long for JESUS that much more.  Your short life impacted ours forever, and you will never be forgotten. 

I love you baby, 

Momma