Not now.

Heaven is not now. 

I will drag my soul into all sorts of discouragement and unnecessary discontentment if I try to have the comforts and security of Heaven now.  I was made for Paradise with God so the longings I feel for peace and settlement are right, but I must be careful to direct them straight to God instead of to things,
the accomplishing of tasks,
the perfecting of relationships,
or whatever else.

One day, all will be settled.
All will be right.
All will be finished and peace will reign.

But now is the time to fight.  We are at war and I cannot live like we are not.  Sacrifices must be made and my perspective must constantly be shifted to coming glory and peace while remaining faithful in the work to be done here on earth.

Heaven is coming.
But if I try to live like that time is now, I will rob myself of the rewards and joy that are promised for those who faithfully endure life in the "not yet."

Father, people are hurting all around me.
Soemtimes the thought of it is all too much to bear. So many question marks and situations that can't be tied up with a pretty bow.  I just keep thinking "this world is cursed." This is not how it was meant to be.  Lord thank you for letting my soul feel the biting chill of winter, reminding me that I am not meant to feel cozy here. The light and warmth of Heaven calls me to press on to the Better City that awaits.

I was made for more than this. 

When I feel the darkness creeping in, when the latest news story is more than I can swallow, when I can't bear the thought of one more broken heart, lift my eyes.
Let me feel the warmth of your presence and be reminded of your good word that you are coming back soon.  Guard me against bitterness and cynicism so I can be a faithful, prayerful pilgrim in these frigid shadowlands.

Even so, Come Lord Jesus. Please come.

"After you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself perfect, confirm, strengthen and establish you. To Him be dominion forever and ever. Amen." 1 Peter 5:10-11

“If I find in myself desires which nothing in this world can satisfy, the only logical explanation is that I was made for another world.”- C.S. Lewis

Silas ~ our little deposit in Heaven

 Today I'm sharing a deeply personal story about something we walked through at the end of July.  I hesitate to share because I know that everyone handles grief differently, and that many people are hurting far more deeply than this.  But in hopes that our story will encourage someone else who might be walking through the same thing, I'm sharing our story today.

I have always feared losing a baby.

With each pregnancy the fear has been in the back of my mind but I would remind myself that “in your book are written all the days that have been ordained for me when as yet there was not one of them.” (Psalm 139) and move on, knowing that worrying about my baby wouldn't add a day to their life.

But this time was different, the fear was stronger.

I knew I was pregnant before the second pink line showed up on the test. I just had this feeling, and on top of that I was already sick.  I was seven days late before I got a positive test although I had taken one almost every day for a week.

I had a gut feeling that something wasn’t right about this pregnancy but I kept trying to dismiss it and move on. I told Ben one night, “I can’t shake it. I feel like we’re going to lose this baby.”

He said “do you feel like the Lord is preparing you for something, or do you feel like it’s the enemy trying to make you live in fear.” I couldn’t tell.

One morning I woke up with the thought, “this baby is a boy…and his name is Silas.”

I told Ben, we talked about names, he thought it was a girl, we talked about all the important things like how will we fit a third baby in the boy’s room? And can you believe we’ll have 5 stockings hanging up this year?

I was really sick, but really excited. Can you believe the Lord has trusted us with another one?

We went on a getaway to Maine. It was wonderful and refreshing and halfway through we were sitting at a coffee shop and with tearful eyes I looked up at Ben and said, “I just keep feeling like we’re going to lose this baby.”

When, I got back to our room I realized that we were.

Just eleven days after I saw that pink line, on the day I was turning 6 weeks pregnant, I started to miscarry.

This little one snuck in like a little whisper and left just as quickly.

I felt like the Lord gave us the name Silas for this little one, and when I looked it up, found that it means “third." It was sweet to me that the Lord gave us a name for this little one, and a name that confirmed that our third baby was a boy. 

Our hearts have been crushed. We have grieved and cried and questioned and processed and sat in silence and tears. Its amazing how attached you can get to such a tiny little person in such a short amount of time.  I just keep thinking that the two precious little boys that hold my heart started out as small as our little Silas was, and I’ll never get to kiss his cheeks and smell his newborn neck or rock him to sleep.

But heaven is that much sweeter to us now that we have a little deposit there. It gives us one more reason among a million to long for our heavenly Home.

One night Ben and I were talking about everything and picturing our little Silas hanging out with my daddy in Heaven, and his cousins, and most of all, being loved on by Jesus.   Ben said something like, “Maybe the whole reason Silas was created was to know Jesus.  I mean, that’s the purpose for all of us, but what if he was created literally just so he could spend eternity with Jesus? 

If he was never a created being, he would never get to experience the reality of Heaven.”

Those words struck a chord deep inside me and gave me so much peace.

Because as devastating as this loss was, having the perspective that I got to be a little landing place for this baby before he spends the rest of all time and eternity in the presence of Jesus, is so encouraging to me.  If knowing Jesus face to face forever was the sole purpose of Silas’s life, then I am happy to have housed his little body for a few short weeks before he moved on to his forever home.

A 6 week bump

The loss of this sweet baby has hit me harder than I ever thought possible so I’ve tried to guard my mind with truth and stand on the promises of the Word so I don’t get knocked over by my emotions.

There is so much that I don’t know and don’t understand, but here is what I am sure of, these are the promises that I know I can count on because I am in Christ:

God is good. 
He can do me no wrong.  Whatever all of this is, it is not injustice. I am a sinner who deserves the wrath of God. And instead, because of Jesus, I have been given perfect righteousness and total forgiveness.  Whatever I experience in this world is not a punishment for my sins, because Christ absorbed all the wrath that I deserved on the cross. Nothing kept the Father from withholding Jesus as the sacrifice for my sins, so what would keep Him from withholding any other lesser thing from me if He knew it would truly be good for me?  (Psalm 84:11, Romans 8:32)

I lost my baby because this world is broken and things are not how they were meant to be, but hallelujah, this life is as bad as it will get for me.  I have an eternity of joy awaiting me because of the salvation Jesus purchased for me on the cross.  Compared to the glory of heaven and the presence of Jesus, the trials of this life will seem light and momentary. (2 Cor:4:16-18)

God will work all things together for my ultimate good of becoming more like Jesus (Romans 8:28-29).  Jesus has conquered death through His death and resurrection and, one day, He is coming back to make all things new.  God will make this situation work for my good somehow in this life, but it will be ultimately redeemed when I see my Jesus face to face.

“Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers Him out of them all.” Psalm 34:18

“Therefore we do not lose heart. But though our outer man is decaying, yet our inner man is being renewed day by day.  For momentary, light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison.  While we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen.  For the things which are seen are temporal, but the things which are not seen are eternal.” 2 Cor. 4:16-18

 (My rings are from amycornwall.com) 

Sweet Silas, 

You were a part of my world for a few short days but you will always be a part of my heart.  I loved you immediately and will love you forever.  I miss you deeply but picturing you spending the rest of all time with Jesus, never knowing any pain or suffering or sin, brings such joy to my heart.  You, my son, are our little deposit in Heaven that makes us long for that place, long for JESUS that much more.  Your short life impacted ours forever, and you will never be forgotten. 

I love you baby, 

Momma 

Our Home

Now that we've lived here for 6 months, I thought it'd be nice to post a little home tour so our friends and family can picture what our little home is like.  This home is was a complete answer to prayer.  We had no idea where we were going to live up until a month before we moved.  Boxes were being packed and plane tickets had been bought but we hadn't found a house.  Everything was either too expensive or much, much too small. Think one or two bedroom apartment.  We were willing to make anything work, but knew the church would probably meet in our home for a while so we needed the place to be able to have multiple functions. 

Out of nowhere a friend found a listing for a little 1850's farmhouse online.  I was smitten with the red door, windows everywhere, and the word "farmhouse." What's not to love? (Well, mice and rats, as it turns out.) But anyways - it was in our budget (to rent), and it was like the Lord handpicked it just for us.  

(This is the farm field in front of our house.) 

I prayed that our home would feel bright and cheery, and the Lord gave us a home with a million windows which means we barely have to turn the lights on at all until evening.  And there is a craft room off the kitchen which was my secret desire and hope.  And there are window seats. 

The list of things that have been easy and comfortable about moving away from family and friends to to plant a church in a small town of New England is short.  Quite short.  But the list of ways I have seen his grace and faithfulness lavished on us in the midst of it all is very, very long.  At every turn, through every trial, and in the middle of really long draining days, and moments where Ben and I have looked at each other like, "Can you believe this is happening?" His presence has lifted us up and helped us to press on.  

And this house? This house is one of the many ways He has whispered to my heart, "I care for you, and I see you." We've only been here half a year but the walls of this home have already seen so much life being lived and memories being made.  

Our kitchen table has been surrounded by women every Wednesday afternoon studying the Word for themselves for the first time.  At 6 am on Monday mornings that table has a group of painters, who have just given their lives to Jesus, sitting around it discussing what it looks like to follow Him in every aspect of their lives.  Our craft room floor has had people kneeling on it and surrendering their lives to Jesus.  Our living room has held the first gatherings of this church and witnessed people who used to be far from Jesus eagerly listening to the Word and singing songs of praise with humble gratitude.  Our sink has held massive amounts of dirty dishes, especially coffee cups, and been cleaned and dirtied over and over again with the ebb and flow of having community buzzing around in our home all throughout the week.  

I knew from the beginning that our home was a gift to be given to others and used for His glory, and that's what it has been. Although many times it has been in spite of the condition of my heart, not because of it.

So here is our home. The disclaimer is that these pictures of each room were taken months apart because my home is NEVER clean all the same time. Ever. And really, the only reason the rooms were this clean and set up is because I was taking pictures of them :) And that is why the same room might look a little from picture to picture.

Come on in, y'all! 

 

If you get the urge to hang random girly plates on your wall, let me do you a favor and save you some drama. USE PLATE HANGERS.  If you happen to think it's a good idea to rig a contraption of duct tape and little metal triangles that are found on the back of frames, you run the risk of your plates playing "last man standing" in the middle of the night and scaring you half to death.  You're welcome. 

 

 

 

The kitchen/living room is where the church has been having Sunday gatherings.  It has been a great space for this season but it is time for something bigger and more permanent. Please pray the Lord provides the right building. 

I love the view from the kitchen sink.

Here's the winter view :) 

Levi's name letters from his nursury are making an awkward come back as mantle decor since I couldn't find a place to store them. Never saw that coming. 
This fireplace is pretty massive in real life. The bookshelves are in a brick oven and Levi can pretty much stand up straight in the fire place. I'm hoping for a wood burning stove in there this year :) 

Here's the craft room...aka my happy place :) My mom came up at the end of march and flipped the room like a BOSS. We (mainly she) removed 5 layers of wallpaper and sanded all the walls, resulting in layers of dust piled on top of the really old green carpet.  We happened to discover that there were really beautiful hardwoods underneath the carpet, and got permission to rip up the carpet.  We painted the walls and trim and then set it all up. It was a really tiring and HUGE project and never would have gotten done without my mom! 

To fully appreciate the room, you have to see the before pics :) 

That right there is sawdust - it piled up even more than this by the time it was all said and done. 

The finished product!

 

 

 This is the boys' room.

 

The Master.

This is the guest room, which has happily gotten a lot of use since we've been here.  

 

And lastly, here's a little peek of the sunroom which is lovely in the morning, and blazing hot on a sunny day - it gets up to 100 degrees even in the winter.