be.

I probably should post about advent today.
Ruth chapter 4, you know.

Buuuut....I'm trying to avoid doing things I really don't have to do just because I feel like I have to do them.
Ruth 4 can wait for tomorrow. It's awesome stuff.


I am constantly feeling the tension of growing into who in the world God wants me to be.  Sometimes I feel pressure to/want to dress super cute and trendy and have really nice clothes and have a perfectly in shape body and other days i'm perfectly content to wear an apron and a messy bun and I remind myself that this body is temporary and it is going to age and fall apart. no. matter. what.

Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and I still see my silly twelve year old self because I'm catching myself in the middle of doing something totally dumb and immature. And I feel really young. But then I remember that I'm married and I have a baby.  Then I remember going through labor and that instantly makes me feel like I have earned major grown-up points.

I read all these popular blogs of women who craft and photograph and do really cute stuff to their houses and make money for it. And I want to be like them.  Then I think about how I sometimes get overwhelmed just by my pile of laundry and ironing and the dishes in the sink and I wonder how in the world I would ever have time for more than just house upkeep.  And other days I feel totally capable and excited and ready to just be the next Martha Stewart.
And then...just when I'm ready to tackle the world of craftiness and sewing and decorating and cooking and being the cutest domestic and creative person you've ever even met...I remember Jesus. (good huh?)
I remember that I am here.
For. Him.

No other reason.
Not to be a decorator or seamstress.
Not to have the cutest and cleanest home. (whew.)
Not to even be the best wife and sweetest mom.

I am here. for. Him.


And so I find myself in the middle of all this tension asking Him - just what? what - who - what kind of wife do You want me to be?
what kind of mom?
what kind of woman?

Do You want me to have a successful photography business?
do You want me to have a popular blog?
do You want me to craft and sew and make creative things?
do you want me to homeschool and make homemade bread?

because in all of these things, I can honor Jesus. And I can also honor Him without doing any of these things.
The only thing that matters is Jesus and lining myself up under Him so He can be all He wants to be through me.
And if all I ever do in this life is love my husband and my babies well - in a way that makes them want to love and know Jesus - and nobody else ever knows about me or wants to be like me or anything like that, then I shall be content.
As long as I am who He wants me to be, I will be content.

This was a super long post.
I almost wondered if I should break it into two posts then I remembered that no one reads this blog so it doesn't even matter :)