Today I'm sharing a deeply personal story about something we walked through at the end of July. I hesitate to share because I know that everyone handles grief differently, and that many people are hurting far more deeply than this. But in hopes that our story will encourage someone else who might be walking through the same thing, I'm sharing our story today.
I have always feared losing a baby.
With each pregnancy the fear has been in the back of my mind
but I would remind myself that “in your book are written all the days that have
been ordained for me when as yet there was not one of them.” (Psalm 139) and
move on, knowing that worrying about my baby wouldn't add a day to their life.
But this time was different, the fear was stronger.
I knew I was pregnant before the second pink line showed up
on the test. I just had this feeling, and on top of that I was already
sick. I was seven days late before
I got a positive test although I had taken one almost every day for a week.
I had a gut feeling that something wasn’t right about this pregnancy but I kept
trying to dismiss it and move on. I told Ben one night, “I can’t shake it. I
feel like we’re going to lose this baby.”
He said “do you feel like the Lord is preparing you for something,
or do you feel like it’s the enemy trying to make you live in fear.” I couldn’t
tell.
One morning I woke up with the thought, “this baby is a
boy…and his name is Silas.”
I told Ben, we talked about names, he thought it was a girl,
we talked about all the important things like how will we fit a third baby in the boy’s room? And can you believe we’ll have 5 stockings
hanging up this year?
I was really sick, but really excited. Can you believe the Lord has trusted us with another one?
We went on a getaway to Maine. It was wonderful and
refreshing and halfway through we were sitting at a coffee shop and with tearful eyes I looked
up at Ben and said, “I just keep feeling like we’re going to lose this baby.”
When, I got back to our room I realized that we were.
Just eleven days after I saw that pink line, on the day I
was turning 6 weeks pregnant, I started to miscarry.
This little one snuck in like a little whisper and left just as quickly.
I felt like the Lord gave us the name Silas for this little
one, and when I looked it up, found that it means “third." It was sweet to me that the Lord gave us a name for this little one, and a name that confirmed that our third baby was a boy.
Our hearts have been crushed. We have grieved and cried and
questioned and processed and sat in silence and tears. Its amazing how attached
you can get to such a tiny little person in such a short amount of time. I just keep thinking that the two
precious little boys that hold my heart started out as small as our little
Silas was, and I’ll never get to kiss his cheeks and smell his newborn neck or
rock him to sleep.
But heaven is that much sweeter to us now that we have a
little deposit there. It gives us one more reason among a million to long for
our heavenly Home.
One night Ben and I were talking about everything and
picturing our little Silas hanging out with my daddy in Heaven, and his
cousins, and most of all, being loved on by Jesus. Ben said something like, “Maybe the whole reason Silas
was created was to know Jesus. I
mean, that’s the purpose for all of us, but what if he was created literally
just so he could spend eternity with Jesus?
If he was never a created being, he would never get to
experience the reality of Heaven.”
Those words struck a chord deep inside me and gave me so much peace.
Because as devastating as this loss was, having the
perspective that I got to be a little landing place for this baby before he
spends the rest of all time and eternity in the presence of Jesus, is so
encouraging to me. If knowing
Jesus face to face forever was the sole purpose of Silas’s life, then I am
happy to have housed his little body for a few short weeks before he moved on to
his forever home.
A 6 week bump
The loss of this sweet baby has hit me harder than I ever
thought possible so I’ve tried to guard my mind with truth and stand on the
promises of the Word so I don’t get knocked over by my emotions.
There is so much that I don’t know and don’t understand, but
here is what I am sure of, these are the promises that I know I can count on
because I am in Christ:
God is good.
He can do me no wrong. Whatever
all of this is, it is not injustice. I am a sinner who deserves the wrath of
God. And instead, because of Jesus, I have been given perfect righteousness and
total forgiveness. Whatever I
experience in this world is not a punishment for my sins, because Christ
absorbed all the wrath that I deserved on the cross. Nothing kept the Father
from withholding Jesus as the sacrifice for my sins, so what would keep Him
from withholding any other lesser thing from me if He knew it would truly be
good for me? (Psalm 84:11, Romans
8:32)
I lost my baby because this world is broken and things are
not how they were meant to be, but hallelujah, this life is as bad as it will
get for me. I have an eternity of
joy awaiting me because of the salvation Jesus purchased for me on the
cross. Compared to the glory of
heaven and the presence of Jesus, the trials of this life will seem light and momentary. (2 Cor:4:16-18)
God will work all things together for my ultimate good of
becoming more like Jesus (Romans 8:28-29). Jesus has conquered death through His death and resurrection
and, one day, He is coming back to make all things new. God will make this situation work for
my good somehow in this life, but it will be ultimately redeemed when I see my
Jesus face to face.
“Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord
delivers Him out of them all.” Psalm 34:18
“Therefore we do not lose heart. But though our outer man is
decaying, yet our inner man is being renewed day by day. For momentary, light affliction is
producing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison. While we look not at the things which
are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporal, but the things
which are not seen are eternal.” 2 Cor. 4:16-18
(My rings are from amycornwall.com)
Sweet Silas,
You were a part of my world for a few short days but you will always be a part of my heart. I loved you immediately and will love you forever. I miss you deeply but picturing you spending the rest of all time with Jesus, never knowing any pain or suffering or sin, brings such joy to my heart. You, my son, are our little deposit in Heaven that makes us long for that place, long for JESUS that much more. Your short life impacted ours forever, and you will never be forgotten.
I love you baby,
Momma
